just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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