I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
