he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What a dumb baby whore.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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