I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
