I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
