Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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