I just threw up on my dentist
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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