and she was petting her beer can
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
