:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
