but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
