I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
