so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
