the condom got lost in my hair
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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