You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
