i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
