Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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