I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
