I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
