btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
