I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
