Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
