Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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