I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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