glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
nutella sex= disaster
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
