dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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