I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
