he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
