She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
