That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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