Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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