I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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