You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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