what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
