i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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