my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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