I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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