glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
