and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
