I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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