The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
