awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
