Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
