4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
