You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
