what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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