shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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