Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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