why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
