my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
