do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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