i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
