dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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