My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
