I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
