Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
