Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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