i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
